Agnosis Skeptikos

The introspective wanderings of a one-time Christian turned agnostic

False Face

Posted by agnosis on June 20, 2007

I find myself in a difficult and uncomfortable position. I keep my newfound agnostic beliefs a secret from everyone but myself. My wife is a Christian, as is nearly my entire family and the vast majority of my friends. This isn’t a bad thing, mind you – it is simply a product of the way I grew up. I love my wife, my family, my friends, and despite having left my own Christian faith behind, I cannot fault them for their continued devotion to their faith. I refuse to be one of those harbors spite and malice to anyone who holds to religious beliefs. I’ve been the focus of such individuals, and I fail to see how such animosities serve any good end.

But neither can I reveal myself as agnostic. None who know me would understand, least of all my wife, who would likely feel hurt and betrayed by my lack of belief. I do not mind “living a lie,” as the phrase goes, for her sake. But the discomfort arrives when it comes to thing having to do with this faith I no longer embrace. I have no interest in going to church, in praying or reading my Bible, or talking about religious issues. All such things seem like such a waste of time to me now – but for the sake of appearances I must continue to do them so as not to cast any question on myself.

I’d like to be able to talk to a few trusted friends about this, but I know that to do so would only net me a series of lectures, many disappointed looks, shock and surprise, sympathy and pity, perhaps, and more reactions that I have no desire to face and deal with. Putting on a facade is much easier and less hassle all around, believe me. So far, there isn’t as much internal tension as I expected. I’m ok living life like this. I expect one of these days the truth will come out, probably when I least expect and probably exactly when I don’t want it to, but until then, I’ll continue to pretend Christianity for the sake of my family and friends (and for my own sanity), but practice living life in a way that I need no Christian faith to accomplish. From what I’ve seen, you don’t need to be a Christian to live a good life. It doesn’t even really seem to help all that much.

But that’s an entry for another time.

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